I CAN’T BREATHE… 

Living here is like living in a dense cloud of smoke, both literally and figuratively. I won’t be able to last much longer. I should have listened to my father. He was right about her. She will never change. She’s a drunk. When she drinks she says things. Things that are usually far from the truth. She hurts the people in her life that are there for her. The ones that have been there for her their entire lives. Pretty soon she will be alone. Even her own sister, her best friend in the world, is starting to turn on her. 

I bet I could take that entire bottle of my prescription pills right now and not wake up in the morning and she still wouldn’t remember the fight that caused me to do that. She never does in the morning. The only two people stopping me from doing that right now are both hundreds of miles away from me. My husband who loves me more than anybody in this world, and my little brother who I couldn’t stand to put through any more pain are the only men holding me here right now. 

With them so far away right now this is what I am doing to distract myself. This is my desperate cry for help. I have gone 1 year and 8 months without having to make this same pathetic desperate plea for help. Not to mention I am a year clean… I am torn. Things never seemed half as bad when I had an outlet, an escape. I miss that. I need that. But I also made a very important promise and as much as I want to break it right now, I won’t. Only a couple hours more until he is awake and can talk me out of this… I can do it. I am stronger than this.